


An interigation and a dick punch later

by Jay_Spank



Category: Romeo And Juliet - All Media Types, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, I try, M/M, Oh Meructio, and Romeo just freaks the fuck out, and poor benny boy, god do i try, he gets around, i love as dude bros so much okay?, it gives me life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:15:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4391507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Spank/pseuds/Jay_Spank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is not Mercutio's day</p>
            </blockquote>





	An interigation and a dick punch later

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this running on like 2 hours of sleep so this should be something. Also I apologize if there's like a fuck ton of grammatical errors.

"I don't see what the big deal is."

"You guys had sex!"

"Yeah and What? Are you going to buy us a “Congrats on the Sex” Cake?" 

"What on earth did I do to deserve this?" Benvolio asked as he look at the kitchen ceiling as if it were god flipping him off. Romeo glared at Mercutio. Big fuckin surprise. Usually a table interrogation would have been amusing to him because it meant an even more over emotional Romeo but he was sober and dealing with a monster hangover. Romeo needed to get on with this bullshit. 

“You had sex with my cousin, Mercutio! How do you expect me to be chill about this?"

"You act like that's the only time me and Benny boy fucked."

Romeo eyes widen and looked over at Benvolio like he just pissed in his cereal. "You and Mercutio are dating and you didn't tell me?" Mercutio looked over at Benvolio and started to laugh as Benvolio's face turned red. Romeo gave them a confused look. "What? What's so funny?"

Mercutio let out a few more laughs before he answered. 

"Oh that I would actually date Benvolio," he said trying to contain himself. "That would be like dating my cousin. That would be gross."

"What the fuck man! Why in the hell are you fucking him then?" Romeo exclaimed throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

"I don't know," Mercutio shrugged. “I get bored and Benvolio's there and then I slay his flat ass. Simple as that." 

"OH MY GOD!" Benvolio exclaimed putting his head into his hands. "The universe hates me. It must really fucking hate me." Romeo looked horrified like he had just seen Old Capulet’s sugar dick. Mercutio was oddly satisfied with this result. Serves him right for making him do this fucking interrogation. 

"Would you like to know anything else?" Mercutio asked with a smug look on his face. 

"Yes actually," Romeo said trying to regain his cool. "How many people have you fucked that I know?" 

Mercutio was taken back from this. He actually had to think. He did fuck a lot of people with a lot of forgetful faces and the odds are all of them knew Romeo but which ones did he know? After a minute of hard thinking Mercutio came up with his answer.  
"Six counting Benvolio." 

Romeo groaned and put his head into his hands. "Who are they?"

"Um the twin butlers at your parents’ house but at separate times I'm not into that shit." 

"Wow you're so pure." 

"Then that personal chef you had a while back."

"You had sex with Chef Louis?!" Romeo exclaimed lifting his head from his hands. "He was like fifty!" 

“Fifty with a great ass that I fucking plowed!" 

"I hate you so much," Romeo groaned putting his head back into his hands. 

“I would respond but I’m afraid you’ll talk more about my butt ," Benvolio stated still red with his head in his hands.

"Well back to my fuck list," Mercutio said clearing his throat, "I off and on fuck Balthezar."

"Why?" Both Benvolio and Romeo said with disgust 

"Cuz I can and then that's it" Mercutio declared and then got up from his chair. "I'm done here fuck nuts." He started walking towards the door when Romeo grabbed his arm.

"No dude, like fuck no. You only said five and I cannot not know now!"

"Oh my fucking god let go!" Mercutio tried to pull away but he again was scrawny as hell.

"Tell me who the sixth person is or I'll punch you in the dick!

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Try me whiskey dick!"

Mercutio quickly turned to Benvolio giving him a pleading look. 

"Ben help me out here!"

Benvolio just shrugged. 

"OH MY GOD BENVOLIO YOU FUCKING FUCK FACE!" 

Romeo raised his unoccupied fist ready to aim. 

"I'm giving you to the count of three"

"ROMEO THIS IS FUCKING CHILDISH AND THAT’S COMING FROM ME!"

"ONE"

"OH MY GOD IT’S NOT EVEN THAT BIG OF DEAL!"

"TWO"

"ROMEO I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL STICK EVERYTHING YOU LOVE UP MY GAY ASS IF YOU--"

"THREE!"

Romeo slammed his fist into Mercutio's dick. Benvolio gasp as Mercutio fell to the floor making a noise that could only be described as an extremely distressed lamb. 

"Are you okay?" Benvolio asked looking over the table at Mercutio laying in a fetal position. 

"I don't think he'll be able to talk for a while," Romeo stated. Mercutio gave the little strength he had and flipped Romeo off.  
"Hey all you had to do was tell me and you chose a squash dick." Romeo shrugged. Benvolio was about to say something when hollaback girl started to play. 

"I'll answer it," Benvolio said getting up from his chair and walked towards Mercutio to get the ringing phone from his pocket. He tried to protest but the pain of having your dick sent back inside you is too much for you to speak. Benvolio leaned down and took the phone. He closed in eyes not only in pain but for the explosion that was about to come in three two one.

"Why is Tybalt calling you?" Benvolio asked as both men turned towards Mercutio.  
Mercutio sucked in the little oxygen he could muster. 

“Meet number six.”

**Author's Note:**

> Commenting your opinion is cool. But yeah this is just how I imagine the pretty boy squad of Verona to act like.


End file.
